Maybe it is the time of year, but love has been on my mind lately. Romantic love, really. The Christmas movies, cold mornings, and arm blankets just make me feel a bit well, lonely. Its hard having turned 21 and never having a real lasting relationship, when many of my friends are going on 5 years with their significant others. For a period of time, I often denied myself that love. Not necessarily intentionally. I think it had a lot to do with my insecurities, and my subconious belief that I didn't deserve love. I had a pattern of ruining every potential relationship that came my way, by playing some game until they got bored with me. Which only perpetuated my insecurites and the belief I wasn't worthy of love.
It didn't help that almost every adult relationship that I learned romantic love from, wasn't a healthy one. I never really knew what it meant to be in love, and if loving in such a way was really possible, or it just belonged in the movies. It hasn't been until recently that I have really thought about what it means to love someone. Maybe, because for once in my life I see that it could be real, even if it is just for some people, the lucky ones. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I want that love, and that I deserve it. After a crazy whirlwind of being with numerous guys, spending my nights crying, and spending my days denying, I realized that I was just a bit lost, and in a way, a bit desensitized to romance. I realized I am better than how I have let others treat me.
The funny thing is, I show tremendous love in all other aspects of my life. I have amazing friendships, I feel for strangers, and love my family unconditionally because I share the love I have, but never really realized I had. The relentless chase, kept me in a rats race, on a wheel I didn't even know I was on. For a while I felt for everyone, but myself. I think that is a big part in why nothing has ever worked out, I just wouldn't let it. I wasn't giving the love that I had. I wasn't giving myself the chance to be happy in that aspect of my life. I let go of my fear.
I think that is why I am so lonely. I have finally realized what I want, and what I deserve, yet I am still alone. I know the time will come, whether I will be one of those lucky people who will find that true love or not, at least I know I deserve it. At least I know that it is possible, even for other people. And well, that is a pretty magical thing in and of itself.
It didn't help that almost every adult relationship that I learned romantic love from, wasn't a healthy one. I never really knew what it meant to be in love, and if loving in such a way was really possible, or it just belonged in the movies. It hasn't been until recently that I have really thought about what it means to love someone. Maybe, because for once in my life I see that it could be real, even if it is just for some people, the lucky ones. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I want that love, and that I deserve it. After a crazy whirlwind of being with numerous guys, spending my nights crying, and spending my days denying, I realized that I was just a bit lost, and in a way, a bit desensitized to romance. I realized I am better than how I have let others treat me.
The funny thing is, I show tremendous love in all other aspects of my life. I have amazing friendships, I feel for strangers, and love my family unconditionally because I share the love I have, but never really realized I had. The relentless chase, kept me in a rats race, on a wheel I didn't even know I was on. For a while I felt for everyone, but myself. I think that is a big part in why nothing has ever worked out, I just wouldn't let it. I wasn't giving the love that I had. I wasn't giving myself the chance to be happy in that aspect of my life. I let go of my fear.
I think that is why I am so lonely. I have finally realized what I want, and what I deserve, yet I am still alone. I know the time will come, whether I will be one of those lucky people who will find that true love or not, at least I know I deserve it. At least I know that it is possible, even for other people. And well, that is a pretty magical thing in and of itself.