To be honest, I am not really sure how to start this post, but here I go. I am sad. I have been for months now, and it is something I am not afraid to admit. I have moments, days, and weeks, where I feel so trapped by my emotions, that it becomes almost unbearable. For the longest time, getting out of bed was difficult. I couldn't even bring myself to clean my room. It got to the point where I couldn't even see my floor, and I was embarrassed every time my roommates walked past my room and stared, but I couldn't tell them why for weeks on end, I couldn't muster the energy to pick up the clothing on my floor. Every social interaction feels like a chore, even with the friends I felt most comfortable with. For a while I judged myself for every little thing I said. I felt like an outcast, even though I was surrounded by the most loving people imaginable. The reality of my life wasn't clear to me, it was clouded by my sadness, so much so that I lost all understanding of myself and the world around me. But I put on a happy face. I acted like nothing was bothering me, I smiled, I joked, I felt like I had to be the happy, and cheerful sunshine that everyone needed. I did a good job, a really good job. And because of it, I felt more alone than ever. I was there to support everyone but myself. I did, and continue to internalize everyone else's pain and emotions to the point of self destruction. It pains me to see my friends in pain. What is worse, is that I spread myself too thin. I am the support system for so many people, that some of those I care about felt left out, and that I wasn't there for them enough, when in reality I was doing my best to not fall apart myself. The state of the world, also took its tole on me. The election, the destruction of the environment and its earthlings, the native peoples struggle, and war, all felt like extra burdens to carry, and they still do.
It took me a really long time, to admit to myself that something wasn't right. That I had been faking it for too long; partying and drinking to create distractions for myself. Smiling so that no one really knew. It took even longer to finally admit it to my parents, who through pictures, believed I was happy. Luckily their understanding was the jump start I needed to rebuild myself. It has been a long journey. I made progress than completely fell apart, than made progress, than fell apart again. It is a process that doesn't come easy, but I have accepted the journey. I have accepted my pain, and my sadness. And I have accepted where I am in life.
I accept that not every period of my life will be happy, or sad. I accept that life is a period of ups and downs. I am not okay, but I am getting there, and I know one day I will be, and I will have more tools to deal with it. For now I am giving myself more time to work on myself, I am making time for self care. I am saying no more, and maybe I will finally open up to those closest to me, as hard as that is. Just like everyone else, I don't want to be a burden. Its hard when you know people have enough they have to deal with, that you feel pained to add to their plate. However, I know I deserve the love and care I give to other people. Maybe its about time, I accept it.
I think acceptance is this months word.
Thank you for listening. Until next time.
It took me a really long time, to admit to myself that something wasn't right. That I had been faking it for too long; partying and drinking to create distractions for myself. Smiling so that no one really knew. It took even longer to finally admit it to my parents, who through pictures, believed I was happy. Luckily their understanding was the jump start I needed to rebuild myself. It has been a long journey. I made progress than completely fell apart, than made progress, than fell apart again. It is a process that doesn't come easy, but I have accepted the journey. I have accepted my pain, and my sadness. And I have accepted where I am in life.
I accept that not every period of my life will be happy, or sad. I accept that life is a period of ups and downs. I am not okay, but I am getting there, and I know one day I will be, and I will have more tools to deal with it. For now I am giving myself more time to work on myself, I am making time for self care. I am saying no more, and maybe I will finally open up to those closest to me, as hard as that is. Just like everyone else, I don't want to be a burden. Its hard when you know people have enough they have to deal with, that you feel pained to add to their plate. However, I know I deserve the love and care I give to other people. Maybe its about time, I accept it.
I think acceptance is this months word.
Thank you for listening. Until next time.